Emotional Break Down

5th April 2006,

Last night was a turbulence ride for me as waves of emotions and memories crashed over me. I guess those irritating Korean Dramas and lovey-dovey stories finally made its effect on me. Not to mention the months of pent up frustration and stress finally managed to crack the wall that I had thought was throughly reinforced.

I dunno what really happened but the mounting stress and a serious problem that had suddenly appeared suddenly made me realise one thing. I'm just a plain human being, not a Herculean warrior. And even the strongest breaks down once in a while.

All this while, I had potrayed myself as a happy go lucky person who laughs off her problems and smiles while I try to conquer one problems after another. But that's the thing, all this while, years the face that everyone had seen was just a mask, a mask to hide the real me.

I just couldn't let anyone realise the amount of problems I had, be it problems about my Company, family or personal. I just couldn't let anyone see the real me. I couldn't afford to look weak in front of everyone especially my family which meant I can't break down and cry my heart out whenever the mood strikes. To do so would means I had admit defeat and breaking down what's left of the hope that my parents had in me..

I had never felt so pressurised in my life, until lastnight. I felt so suffocated and trapped and like a cornered animal. It was 11pm and that was when I finally realised it. I'm not as strong as I had thought I was. I literally broke down and cried my heart out as I lay curled on my bed.

God! I had never felt like a lost little kid before... A confident well respected woman being reduced to a lost little girl certainly doesn't seem funny to me at that moment.

I had wanted to talk to someone, anyone about all of those problems I was facing but none seems to fit the picture. Ugh.. My head was spinning and my heart was clenching so painfully that it was pure pain to even breathe in. That was when my brain just went overdrive and memories of the times my Ex-Bf consoling and giving me moral support just flashed by.

That was the very moment I actually realised I really needed him in my life. He was always very gentle, caring and knows the exact moment I needed a moral boost or feeling down. He just seems to know exactly what to say and do.. And.. I actually cried of ever letting him go.

Why can't I just open my stupid eyes and realise that I actually and REALLY needed him in my life?! My stupid conscience was the bloody fault to it. I didn't want to tie him down cuz with my stupid work schedules and mounting problems, I could never spend enough time with him, could never give the attention and affection I know he needs.. haiz...

I MISS HIM DAMN IT!!! How I wish I can have him back at my side and assure me everything is going to be ok.. haiz.. I still love him... Stupid of me to ever think that I would get him off my mind.. haiz.. very stupid of me.. If only I can turn back time..

I WANT HIM BACK!!! *sniffles* I truly misses him....

Stupid emotional breakdown... stupid me... *sniffles*